I've been a very good boi this year. I've written a ton of smut that has made people very happy. Never mind that it's all the manlove stuff... I know you're not prejudiced against that in any way. And tell Ms. Clause that the fan mail is really sweet, but I'm just not gonna do the Rudolf/Donner slash. I got the Christmas cards out before the holiday instead of after (like last year) and I've even finished shopping for the Spawn. With that in mind, Santa dear, I would really like to see the following under my tree:
100' of purple rope, something with a nice silky feel. The last bundle had to be cut off the headboard and you just can't do much with 10' sections.
A twink-elf wearing nothing but an apron who loves to clean and cook... This could be a dual prezzi as I think Sexy Guy would appreciate him as well. If you're really feeling generous, you could give him the skills of a European Football Referee/Den Mother so that when the Spawn get going a neutral third party can break them up.
Enough bourbon to last at least through New Years.
A more cooperative muse. The one you gave me last year seems to disappear at the worst moments only to be discovered days (sometimes weeks) later sleeping off a binge under a bridge. Don't get me wrong, he's very creative, but the absences are driving me nuts.
So, Santa, if you can fit those things in your sleigh, I'd be a happy camper.
PS: The standard well spiked eggnogg waits for you.